Curiouser&Curiouser... (greenpotato) wrote,

As if it wasn't bad enough...

For a long while now, I've wondered if I'm not clinically depressed. Years ago, I brushed it off as that I was just an angsty teenager. Now that I'm an adult, I feel I've learned to handle my stresses.

However, from time to time, it seems like I sink into this pit of despair, and just can't seem to crawl out of it. Sometimes it's so bad, I can barely drag myself out of bed in the morning.

In some ways, I blame this depression for how my life has played out. The choices I've made regarding school, work, where I live, how I enter/exit/make/destroy.etc relationships... And in some ways, I blame my life for worsening the depression. Keeping me from healing. Just a big, angry vicious cycle of hurt and lethargy.

Kati got married the weekend before this past one, and I've been feeling very low lately as it is. Now I am running into people I went to school with who have their whole lives figured out, and are happy about it. Not helping. To make matters worse, her younger brother was there, and in talking to him for a while, he said something that really, really, REALLY make me just want to slash my wrists on the spot. I don't think he realized how much it cut into me like a knife, in fact, I'm almost certain he didn't. Still, the fact remains, it was not my proudest moment.

"Weren't you, like, the only one in your guys' graduating class that didn't go to college?"

Dot. Dot. Dot.

What really busts me up is, it's probably true. If it isn't, that means that someone thinks so poorly of me that they would make up such a rumor. Not that it should matter to me what anyone thinks of me but myself, but as you might have figured out... I don't think that highly of myself! If it IS true, all the more reason to feel that way, anyway.

I know those of you who are actually reading this will assure me that it's not true, but right now, I really don't think I could feel more worthless.
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Oh fuck it. You don't have to follow other peoples' cookie-cutter life ideas. If you're happy with your life, that's all that matters. There's more than one way to be happy. If you're not and you're not doing anything about it- then you've got a problem- there's always something you can do about the parts of your life that you find less than good. If you're really depressed about certain things, do something about 'em.
<3 stupid people don't know what to do but open thier mouths and say things without thinking. we love you. your son loves you. your husband better ori'llkick his ass. thats all that matters. <3<3 call me if you need.
When you have low self esteem (like I suffer from) it really doesn't matter when you are told not to worry what other people think because what you think of yourself is almost always worse.
I wish I could tell you some answer that makes the cycle stop but I'm still in it as well.
I just want to offer you encouragement, I was some random person online that read you and thought that you were very well spoken, cool, intelligent and interesting.

I believe that true 'success' in life is the connections that you make with others and you don't have a shortage of people that love you. Even people who have never met you. I hope some day our paths cross irl, we could hang out, go window shopping, go to a movie, have tea, or do something fun like that.
Even though you didn't go to college, you were still one of the smartest in the class. So...pfft to them. Yes. PFFFFFTTTTT.
I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND. Like, COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY understand. 5126% kind of understand.
A) Everyone else is right, you're smart, you're awesome, you're probably going to listen to normal platitudes of "Oh, but everything's ok and stuff!".... and frankly you were never the type to just take other people's standards as your own.
B) Like 99% of us aren't where we wanted to be, ya know? So... Stuff happens.
C) Remember what I said a while back? You are the only one I really couldn't pin. I couldn't figure out which way you would go, what you'd do with your potential, any of that.... And frankly, that's the most refreshing and AWESOME thing I'd come against. YOU determined your own life, you did what YOU wanted, what YOU needed, not following the crowd, not being irreversibly stupid with your choices.
You wanna go to college? DO IT. You want to make your life ANY way you wanna? DO IT. Ignore others. Fuck them in the ear. Even me, actually, especially me, 'cause I'm special and retarded.
oh! And
D) Kati's brother has always been 98% Tard. So... yeah. That's about it.